Sunday, August 28, 2011

shoud you tell?

Last night I stayed at my house and watched Sex in the City 1 with my mom and Sex in the city 2 with my sister today and it really made me think about cheating and my own thoughts about it.

I just can't understand why people who cheat always have to tell their boyfriend, partner, husband or whatever what happened. Especially when it was a one time thing that meant nothing. What is the point? to relieve your concience? I just think its so selfish. I think people are better off living in oblivion. If you do something bad you should have to live with that guilt forever.

The inocent person shoudn't have to suffer through that hurt. Then my sister said to me if Michael (My boyfriend) kissed another girl would I not want to know? I really feel I would rather not. Then she said if she kissed another boy she would be living a lie. But isn't that their own fault?

In the past when I was younger maybe 14 or 15, I was bored one morning and my dad's phone was just lying there on the coffee table in the living room and even though I knew my mom had told me so many times, we have to respect peoples privacy and not read their messages I still couldn't resist.

When I read them I found out my Dad was cheating on my mom. Sometimes I think it was an optical illusion, because nothing ever materialised about it, As far as I'm aware my mom never found out about and my parents are still together.

But for 2 or 3 years and even now I had to live with that guilt in my head that I knew something I wasn't supposed to know, because I did something I wasn't supposed to do. It was a huge conflict within me that even to this day have never been able to resolve.

I even had a fair idea who the woman was, although it was only guesswork, the name was quite unusual and  put two and two together and got her. I had met her, it was somebody I knew of who I had met a couple of times she was in my Dad's badminton club.

I remember around the time I found out, whenever I got angry with my Dad I always wanted to yell it at my Dad and tell him that I knew what he was doing. I even wanted to tell my mom sometimes but I was scared that (A) I would get in trouble for disobeying her, (B) the consiquences.

One of my uncles wives had an affair and my uncle found out and they got divorced and now his children from that marriage are all messed up. One of them went on drugs and the other well we never see her. So I think I would feel a hell of a lot more guilty if i ruined my sister and brothers family life, because I wanted to put my concience at ease.

I think someday I will tell him that I knew all these years what happened back then perhaps. but I really can't imagine the outcome. Would he scream at me for reading his text messages without his permission? Would he plead with me not to tell my mom? Would he break down and say how sorry he was and it meant nothing? I guess I will never know.  I really don't think its worth it.

My boyfriend's family has also struggled with cheating, so don't think Chinese culture is imune to it. My boyfriends dad is the owner of a factory in another town and owns an appartment there and only comes back to the family home once a week or two weeks or a month, or maybe two monthes. My boyfriend doesn't really know and his mom obviously doesn't want to tell him, in case it hurts him.

But its normal for Chinese couples to live like this. I know Chinese couples in Ireland where one lives in the North of Ireland and the other lives in the South and they meet once a week/month whenever they have free time.

But the problem with my boyfriends parents is that. One day his Dad came back to the family home at around dinner time and hadn''t been back for almost two weeks and went bananas when there wasn't any food ready for him  Then he called a delivery restaurant and a much younger girl dropped in food for him and she came into the house and started eating with him.

His mom saw this and put two and two together, and there was a bust up. His Dad claimed that, the younger girl was the owner of the restaurant, was a friend of his and he just invited her to join him. whats the problem? and they haven't talked since.

Thats why I am adamant that I really really would rather not know.

I think to be oblivious is Bliss!


  1. I would absolutely confess. It's not a guilt thing - it's a respect issue. If I've done something as horrible as cheating, that's bad enough, but then to hide it is just the ultimate disrespect to your partner. You need to own up, take the punishment and give the other person the opportunity to make an informed decision. I wouldn't want to stay with someone who cheated and I wouldn't expect my partner to.

  2. That is not my main concern with cheating. I do agree with the person above me but I also want to add ---
    I am mainly worried about my health. Physical health. When it comes to driving, you have to assume everybody is stupid. Same with sex. I shouldn't have to worry about getting std's due to somebody else's stupidity. What if it happens while I try to get pregnent with him? The guy gets an std, don't know about it 'cause it doen't show, and BAM! I get an unwanted present...and it's not pregnency. I say, if you fool around, don't touch me. Tell me you're bullshitting around, so I will at least respect you. Most importantly, don't waste my time. I CAN and I WILL find a guy who doesn't use any excuse to do this kind of bullshit. Anybody can attract somebody. Nobody is a unique snowflake...or awesome due to it.

  3. I didn't think about it from that perspective, I was just thinking about the others feelings, or how i would feel if i found out. It never occurred to me that i should be worried about my health if my partner cheated

  4. The statics of people wearing condoms (or lackthereof, especially with oral sex) is dreadfully scary. You think the heat of a moment with an office fling - they're thinking about that condom? Most likely, no. Once you get an std, you will always have it. Being hurt is temporary but it will be healed with another guy...who will probably be better than the last.

    I don't know. That's just how I think. xD

  5. This really brings me back to the conversation I had with a friend today. Obviously cheating is distasteful, wrong and horrible thing to do to a person. I never thought about it from this perspective. I always thought that the other person should have the option to make an informed decision rather than stay on with someone who barely respects them. But your opinion made me think that maybe it is better than the person who errs lives in the grief and guilt it causes. However most cheats probably will cheat several times. So the concern of STD. And also most wont feel guilt, sometimes may even feel a false sense of bravado at straddling 2 people at the same time.

    Either ways it does hurt the innocent people involved. And so its like choosing between the deep sea and the devil. I just wish people would realize this before they engage in such mindless activities.